The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED
TED
16 min, 56 sec
A detailed exploration of how anxious niceness manifests in social interactions and its consequences.
Summary
- The speaker investigates how anxiety influences niceness and generic behaviors during uncomfortable social interactions.
- Three main outcomes are explored: controlled verbal communication, harder-to-control nonverbal behaviors, and involuntary physiological responses.
- Studies in the lab setting reveal that anxious niceness can lead to synchronization of stress responses between individuals.
- Receiving overly nice feedback can have negative consequences on performance and reputations, especially for disadvantaged groups.
- The speaker proposes strategies to break the cycle of anxious niceness and provide more effective feedback.
Chapter 1
![The speaker introduces the concept of anxious niceness and its prevalence in uncomfortable social situations.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjE5LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--b9c54574103697349d04436fcaa961a951061157/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_11.jpg)
The speaker introduces the concept of anxious niceness and its prevalence in uncomfortable social situations.
- When people feel most anxious, they tend to be overly nice and generic to those around them.
- These behaviors are often a coping mechanism during socially uncomfortable moments.
![The speaker introduces the concept of anxious niceness and its prevalence in uncomfortable social situations.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjE5LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--b9c54574103697349d04436fcaa961a951061157/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_11.jpg)
Chapter 2
![The speaker provides background on their research in social psychology focusing on uncomfortable social interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjIxLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--24f80ab549566f89e5fe88a97fbb775029b0cc95/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_36.jpg)
The speaker provides background on their research in social psychology focusing on uncomfortable social interactions.
- The speaker, a social psychologist, has been studying uncomfortable social interactions for over 20 years.
- Research areas include roommate relationships, negotiations, upward feedback, and doctor-patient interactions.
![The speaker provides background on their research in social psychology focusing on uncomfortable social interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjIxLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--24f80ab549566f89e5fe88a97fbb775029b0cc95/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_36.jpg)
Chapter 3
![An explanation of the research methods and the three main outcomes studied in uncomfortable social interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjIzLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--98c6918677349d3f86afd382d51e466bc749c551/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_69.jpg)
An explanation of the research methods and the three main outcomes studied in uncomfortable social interactions.
- The research looks at controlled speech, nonverbal behaviors, and physiological responses during social interactions.
- Studies include lab interactions such as negotiations and getting acquainted, often requiring feedback to partners.
![An explanation of the research methods and the three main outcomes studied in uncomfortable social interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjIzLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--98c6918677349d3f86afd382d51e466bc749c551/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_69.jpg)
Chapter 4
![The speaker engages the audience by asking them to recall an awkward interaction and hints at an interactive exercise.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjI1LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--3250942a6937a4886787eb9e77795ba9aead9627/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_141.jpg)
The speaker engages the audience by asking them to recall an awkward interaction and hints at an interactive exercise.
- The audience is asked to think about their last awkward interaction and anticipate sharing it.
- This exercise is a setup to illustrate a point and is not actually carried out.
![The speaker engages the audience by asking them to recall an awkward interaction and hints at an interactive exercise.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjI1LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--3250942a6937a4886787eb9e77795ba9aead9627/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_141.jpg)
Chapter 5
![The speaker discusses how lab studies show immediate stress responses in participants during social interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjI3LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--758dbf542b7fbf5e8884fd9494321eb423d5834a/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_179.jpg)
The speaker discusses how lab studies show immediate stress responses in participants during social interactions.
- Participants exhibit increased heart rates and blood pressure within seconds of the interaction.
- Nonverbal behaviors like fidgeting and avoiding eye contact also manifest.
![The speaker discusses how lab studies show immediate stress responses in participants during social interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjI3LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--758dbf542b7fbf5e8884fd9494321eb423d5834a/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_179.jpg)
Chapter 6
![The effects of anxious niceness in doctor-patient interactions are shared as an example.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjI5LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--2c37d005ddbae8840c26a4e1cdbff56aa697a41f/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_204.jpg)
The effects of anxious niceness in doctor-patient interactions are shared as an example.
- Uncomfortable doctors tend to focus more on charts or screens rather than maintaining patient eye contact.
- These nonverbal cues are a form of anxious niceness.
![The effects of anxious niceness in doctor-patient interactions are shared as an example.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjI5LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--2c37d005ddbae8840c26a4e1cdbff56aa697a41f/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_204.jpg)
Chapter 7
![The speaker explains how stress responses can synchronize between individuals during interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjMxLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--fc0344c976810e57c11e1634248956bd035709c9/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_329.jpg)
The speaker explains how stress responses can synchronize between individuals during interactions.
- Studies show that Black participants become physiologically synchronized with anxious white participants in cross-race interactions.
- This synchronization includes nonverbal signals and cortisol reactivity.
![The speaker explains how stress responses can synchronize between individuals during interactions.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjMxLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--fc0344c976810e57c11e1634248956bd035709c9/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_329.jpg)
Chapter 8
![The negative consequences of anxious niceness on performance and reputation are highlighted.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjMzLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--8722fa0f5c4265058e9c7722f22312b3a414644f/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_494.jpg)
The negative consequences of anxious niceness on performance and reputation are highlighted.
- Overly positive feedback can harm performance and make it hard to know where one stands.
- Such feedback can also damage reputations outside the interaction context.
![The negative consequences of anxious niceness on performance and reputation are highlighted.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjMzLCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--8722fa0f5c4265058e9c7722f22312b3a414644f/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_494.jpg)
Chapter 9
![The speaker proposes strategies for breaking the cycle of anxious niceness and improving feedback.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjM1LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--04b56fa61828caf52d8c96be1b5395d859e40799/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_605.jpg)
The speaker proposes strategies for breaking the cycle of anxious niceness and improving feedback.
- The speaker suggests assessing the real support for niceness culture at work and moving towards honest feedback.
- It is important to frame feedback as either general or specific and positive or critical.
![The speaker proposes strategies for breaking the cycle of anxious niceness and improving feedback.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjM1LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--04b56fa61828caf52d8c96be1b5395d859e40799/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_605.jpg)
Chapter 10
![The speaker discusses the need for a cultural shift towards more constructive and specific feedback.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjM3LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--f73e88b53968d77147224652b5fe7ab8ab6a535d/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_839.jpg)
The speaker discusses the need for a cultural shift towards more constructive and specific feedback.
- Neutral feedback can be a starting point for providing specific and useful critical feedback.
- Positive feedback can be reframed to be more engaged and aligned with the receiver's goals.
![The speaker discusses the need for a cultural shift towards more constructive and specific feedback.](https://www.videogist.co/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6MTgyNjM3LCJwdXIiOiJibG9iX2lkIn19--f73e88b53968d77147224652b5fe7ab8ab6a535d/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsiZGF0YSI6eyJmb3JtYXQiOiJqcGciLCJyZXNpemVfdG9fbGltaXQiOls3MjAsbnVsbF19LCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--c9426325207613fdd890ee7713353fad711030c7/10717_839.jpg)
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